Looking back and moving forward

I had a sleepless night a couple of weeks ago (mainly jetlag) and so I wrote my diary and it ended up being a bit of a summary of last year, and a little looking forward to this year. I was debating whether I should post it, as it’s quite personal, but on the other hand I did want to update everyone who might have been wondering where I disappeared to. Thank You Lord for new beginnings, new years, and new months… and posting this on the first of February is better than not at all 😉

The bad

2018 was perhaps the worst year of my life thus far – and that’s mainly because of my health. It actually started the summer before when my eczema severely flared up. Initially it began with heatrash, and it quickly spread and was pretty bad (thank you to everyone who saw me but didn’t mention it), and got even worse as the months progressed. It seems that moving house and both the inward and outward stress of that didn’t help, as the last time I had such a bad flare was after my previous large move in 2010.

It’s also subsequent to both occasions that I was prescribed a short course of prednisone, although the difference being that this second time I experienced many more of the side effects – likely also the culmination of months of insomnia, constant itching, and the psychological impact of the resulting isolation. I’m thankful for my family, housemates and the saints who really supported and prayed and didn’t expect anything of me during this time.

The good

The good news is that since I finally saw the dermatologist in April last year, I’ve been slowly but continually healing. Emphasis on slowly. I guess it’s only when you look back that you realise how far you’ve come – there were times I was frustrated that there was quickly an outward, apparent healing, but I did not feel fully recovered. It’s only now that I look back and realise what a journey it has been, and one that is still ongoing. I even now see the wisdom in the dermatologists scheduling further tests and reviews months and months down the line (and not immediately, like I inwardly thought they should be), when my skin has had time to have a deeper recovery.

FYI, prior to this I had been having a good experience with TSW, and was even in despair when my GP initially suggested I start using topical steroids again. But I decided to give the dermatologist’s route a go, and it’s only after having been following the directions to use the topical steroids much longer and more consistently then ever before (making what the GP prescribed look like nothing), that I realise that my skin has continued to heal even more. (Side note: I am neither pro-TSW, nor anti-TSW.)

On reflection, I guess this is like our experience with the Lord. We receive His life in an instant when we believe into Him, and yet this marks just the beginning of a lifelong process of being transformed into His image. We may wonder why it’s taking Him so long to deal with things in us, to “improve” and to heal us, and it may seem that even if there are a few outward changes, that not a lot deep down has changed.

But eventually we should reach a point where we can look back and realise that every day He’s been doing a little more transforming and conforming work, and that He has faithfully been visiting and revisiting parts of our being and making His home deeper and deeper in our heart. On our side, we just need to trust in Him, open to Him, and look away to Him. What a mercy. His timing and His way are the best.

Looking away unto Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down on the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2

Because those whom He foreknew, He also predestinated to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the Firstborn among many brothers;

Romans 8:29

The ongoing

Coming back to my health – I expect I have some ways to go, as although I don’t need to use the topical steroids as frequently, I still have some areas that trouble me (although I have been seeing improvement), and I’d eventually like to taper down their use so I can have gaps of a few weeks (rather than a few days) before I feel I need a little boost. But now my skin consistently feels like skin and I’m able to notice and stop flares before they escalate, seeing as I’m no longer one giant flare up. As you can imagine, my quality of life has drastically improved – I can sleep again and I can be in the church meetings again and I can travel again, all things I’ve been enjoying much more recently.

One of the difficulties I’m having now is with motivation and scheduling when I’m not travelling. So that’s one thing I’d ask you to pray about when you think of me. I took a leave of absence in the first half of 2018 (to reduce stress – I couldn’t sleep, which in itself was stressful, but then I also couldn’t function during the day, either because I was too tired or because that was only time that I could fall asleep for an hour here and there – it was quite hellish) and then switched to part time practical (IT) service so my schedule could be more flexible. But maybe too flexible, because with only project by project deadlines (incidentally, a lot in January, it’s been a nonstop month) and no set daily routine, I feel like I’m being far less productive and useful to the Lord than I could be. Personal scheduling and inertia has been one of my life-long struggles, and I’ve given up hope on an overnight change (remember, transformation is a slow process), so I do want to be open to the Lord to see how my circumstances can again be adjusted to help me.

The learning

I did receive some very encouraging fellowship in August. I might have felt like my 2018 was a year of waste and failure (overcoming in my physical suffering? That wasn’t me at all), but if the end result is that the Lord has gained me in a deeper way than He otherwise would have, then this one year is more valuable than years and years of being healthy and able to “do” things for the Lord in my own strength.

My conclusion after this past year is that I’m now much more appreciative of the older saints who have had many years in the Lord, who simply by virtue of time have also had many more sufferings and dealings and experiences and opportunities to grow with the Lord. It’s not just a matter of time, but it does take time.

Thank You Lord for all the precious members of Your Body, at whatever age and stage we are at. May we all open to You fully for what You have for us, this coming year. You’re the faithful God, and we worship You.

I’ll close off with a quote from last week’s HWMR that I found both apt and encouraging:

The significance of suffering…is this, that the devastation it brings to the old creation provides an opportunity for the God of resurrection to impart Himself into His creatures so that they emerge from the death process with a divine element in their constitution. The primary purpose of suffering in this universe, particularly as it relates to the children of God, is that through it the very nature of God may be wrought into the nature of man….Through a process of outward decay, an inward process is taking place that is adding a new constituent to our lives [2 Cor. 4:16]. (The God of Resurrection, pp. 8-9, 15)

Is there some renewing going on with us, or are we remaining the same day by day and year after year? It would be tragic if we would pass through many sufferings and still remain the same. In order to consummate His renewing work in us and with us, God becomes our life and nature within. In addition to this, God as the sovereign Lord controls the entire universe in order to renew us. God uses the environment in order to work His life and nature into us. Without the environment, we could never be renewed.

God desires us to be the new creation. When all of the Lord’s children pass through the process of renewing to become the New Jerusalem, they will be in a state of being fully renewed. The holy city is called the New Jerusalem because it has no old element of God’s old creation. As we pass through afflictions, there needs to be a continual renewing taking place in us day by day so that God can accomplish His heart’s desire. (CWWL, 1989, vol. 2, “Being Renewed Day by Day,” pp. 358, 363)